When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, "What will I be? Will I be happy? Will I be rich? That's what she said to me.""Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not our to see, que sera sera, what will be will be" (click here for que sera sera lyrics)
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When I was thirteen, my English teacher instructed us to write an essay, "Imagine what would you be in ten years' time."
That was an intriguing composition topic. But I struggled quite a bit to complete the homework. I guess I just was not really giving much thought about what a 23-year old should be like. You know when you are a kid, you tend to see whoever is 18 years and above is such an adult to you. Yes, adult! Shocking isn't it? I turned that 18 year adult mark close to a decade, I still feel myself like a young kid.
I was trying to recall what I wrote in my essay. I guess I was a bit not creative at that time. I remember I wrote about graduated after college, having a decent job and a steady relationship. That was how I imagined myself at 23 when I was merely 13.
Imagination is altering constantly throughout all these years since that 13 year old essay was written. I recall all my girls' chat with my girl pals during college. I would imagine that I would continue my studies till around 25-26, get settled down at 27, raise a couple of kids and working steadily towards my career path. Looking back, it seems that I would not be done for my graduate school before 27; there is still a lot of room of improvement to be a good daughter before jumping into a role as a good wife or good daughter-in-law, let alone a good mother. As for job, I am not even done with school, what am I going to use to apply for jobs?!
My main supervisor asked me what was my plan after my degree recently during one of our serious talks before my trip. He wanted me to consider staying in the same lab and assured to me that he and my cosupervisor would figure out something for me if in the end I decided to stay. He wanted me to make up my mind after this trip. Everyone around already started asking about my plan(s). Are you going to do a postdoc? Where will you be doing it?
I have been pondering a lot about my future plans. In fact I have been pondering too much that I could feel the little stress wearing up on me. Do I want to stay in research? Will I be able to get a good position in a nice lab with nice boss and colleagues? Who will want to offer me a position? Regardless of which area I wanted to pursue, will my future job allow me to have a balance life in between career and family? All sort of questions and concerns kept popping up on my mind. Yet I did not have an answer and I still do not have an answer.
What will I be? What will I really want to be? I guess at this point I have made up my mind, which is not to think about future anymore. Just focus on the present. Not to say we should stop planning. We plan, but plan changes all the time. It is better of not plan too much until it is necessary because whatever will be will be.
♥ every page of my imagination
