I received an intriguing question in response to “The good old days – Part 2”.What if, you have had such kind of unpleasant experience, and you couldn’t move on/let go because you’re still suffering the “can’t let it go without dealing with it” complexity?
Say, you had done something awful that you know you’ve hurt someone and thus cut the friendship/relationship. You were practically doing okay and then one day you just realize you were a little nasty before and then you just start suffering this complexity!
I can really understand how this complexity formed. We, Homo sapiens are a complicated species. Sometimes something happened, we tried to escape and avoid confronting it, hoping whatever we wish not face would disappear, especially for the case when we have done something we consider BAD. The guilt conscience is there. However after some incubation time, the guilt conscience just fills us up with remorse. It’s just like a volcano becoming active again and starting to erupt.
I think both “letting go” and “deal with it” seem to be interdependent. It is rather difficult to let go something if you haven’t really dealt with it. When I say deal, it doesn’t necessarily mean solve it. It can be something that you think you’ve done your part or even to the fact that you’re mentally/emotionally prepared to face whatever outcome. So after “dealing with it”, it is easier to let go because you know you’ve done whatever you could and you’re really ready to face it.
If you hold on tight to the situation…for example, you know you’ve hurt this person that badly until both parted. Years later, you were reminded of it. You wanted to do something to find out whether the person was doing well? Were you really the “bad” guy? You see, this is when the guilt conscience appearing on stage. You just want to be told that, “No, you didn’t hurt me. Even if you did, I’m doing all right now. You’re not really the bad guy!” No, don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel guilty about what you’ve done. But you know the guilt feeling is something we need less at this stage (for the past). There is no point of feeling guilty for something that was already done. It is better of to transform the guilt to something as a lesson we learn and not wanting to repeat it.
What about situation when is still considered as present? Well, in that case, I would say, if you think you need to approach the person and deal with the situation (it doesn’t necessarily mean friendship problem, it can be anything in general) will make you feel better, and with the intention of not putting others in an awful position, then by all means go deal with it. You don’t want to have this stuff stuck somewhere in your chest and make you feel uncomfortable.
However, we have to beware of some situations when the other party doesn’t want to “deal” with you for some reason. You may try to confront them but it may not work despite trying several times. Then in that case, you know you just have to “deal” with yourself (that is to mentally prepare for the outcome) and then really let go. Hanging around there trying to deal with someone who is not sharing similar goal with you, is just like sweating hard to untie a dead knot. It would lead you to no where except just more frustrations and disappointments.
To be honest, I didn’t have much problem in moving on regarding the incident I mentioned in my previous post. It is easier to let go if you’re the remorseless victim. Well, probably. But trust me; I have played the opposite role before. Yet, like I said, I always try to learn from the past and try not to repeat the same mistakes. Hence, you always find me emphasizing of not wanting to hurt people. Geez, you must be bored to death hearing me saying this word now huh? If you’ve been through the bitter feeling before and you know it’s not pleasant at all, obviously you won’t like to pass the same thing onto someone. You know what I mean?
I didn’t use to understand why some people would rather get a new machine i.e. a car than to send it off for repair. Now I get it. Sometimes the model of the car is too old and its spare part runs out in the market. Then in that case, you can’t have it repaired except to get rid of it and get a new car. Or let say the repairing cost is too expensive and it is more economical and practical to trade it off and get a new one. It is the same here; in any human relationship, when you know it is bringing you and/or others burden despite making your best effort to maintain and salvage it, it is still not doing too good. Then maybe letting go is the best solution. Of course I am NOT encouraging people to simply call for abandoning a friendship, breaking up or even divorcing their spouse!
How to deal? Deal with whatever we can, as long as we know the good intention is there. After all, at the end of the day, we just have to answer to ourselves. I’m sure you and I just want to live remorseless and guiltless. Or don't you?
♥ every page of my imagination
